so wow... ok.. i havent been on this thing in ages. do people actually still read this shit? i think the last time i wrote in here... i was a senior in high school. now ill almost 22 lol crazyness. whether or not... i feel like using this as my journal for a whilenow again.

so im sittiin here at home, watching Annie, listening to my boyfriends breathe as he sleeps on the couch next to me. i wish i had a job. i wish i had a lot of things right now actually...

so i graduated from aveda in january... 2 months ago. well last july i got my license taken away for a dwi, which was bullshit cuz i only blew a 0.09. i had 2 drinks. he pulled me over for not using my blinker when i turned.... REALLY??? any whoo. so now im without a license which criples me from going out and job hunting. i have to wait around for my bf to take me every where andim sure hes gettin damn tired of it.

speaking of my bf. i feeel like things are getting rough between us. like we have rele great days... and then we have days where when i look at him, i feel like... he not there. you know? like he theres... infront of me. but .. inside. hes not there. the look in his eyes. i feel like we're drifting apart. one of my friends told me that since hes gone all the time maybe hes moved on and is seeign other chicks.i dont think he is cheating on me though.  this is what our relationship has been sumed up to: i sit around all day long doing absoutly nothingwaiting to take this dwi class n geti my shit together. then he comes home and either sits down n doesnt talk to me barley any or goes to sleep. we dont talk. then he leaves to go do other work.... and i dont kno where or who hes meetin with. then just comes home. the only time we spend together is at parties gettin drunk or sittin in silence in front of the tv. we went to olive garden one night, he barley said a word. i felt that i had to do the talkin to get him talkin. i wish i knew what to do or say to him to get him to open up to me and tell me how he rele feels without making him feel cornered. i dont kno if this is jsut my insecurities or if i truly dont trust him. whats wrong with me. why cant i just be happy in a relationship. if shits going good, its like something bad is bound to happen. then i start lookin for the bad. and i ahte that why do i do that???? god....i dunno..   i feel like im losing him....

anywho, on a better note, my nephew is gettin so big and hes adorable. my parents come into town next week. im excited but im not. i love them dearly but at the same time theres only so much i can take of them. god that sounds horrible. am i a bad person? lol. i dont have many friends up here in minnesota. makes me miss houston so much. but when i thik abck to it.... my whole life ive had trouble making friends cuz i was moving every two to three years till i hit houston. plus.... minnesota has really made me a better person ina way. houston made me so angry... so violent... bitter. i was so domineering. but why ami so submissive up here? i dont get it. im not me. i dont feel like me. no joke, wheni look in the mirror in the mornings, i smile. all the bullshit that ive been through and look at me now. ive graduated from college, somethign my parents and myself never rele thought i had in me. i have a degree which means i have made a life for myself. and i have.... and amazing boyfrined. i just cant seem to wrap my brain about why im so submissive to him. jeezus!!! if he siad jump i would laugh at him but still ask how high?

i was supposed to go to houston in july and see my bestie devin who's baby is due then. but becuase shes so far away and her phone gets turned off all the damn time we rarley talk. well now shes staying at her kinda mother in law house and we talked and i asked about the baby. and she told me "you know its funny to see who your real friends are when you get pregnant all of a sudden ppl wanna see and talk to you all the time"   ......   i wasnt quite sure how to take that.... so i dunno if ima pop down there or not. it would be nice to get away from mn for a while though. fuck this cold weather. the snow that is still falling. the wind chills. and cold toes! all the layers of clothes that you have to wear makes me wanna take back all the bitching i did about my hair in houstons humidity! lol

i have so many thoughts just racing through my head right now. i dun even know what to type down. lol. its been so long since ive written in a journal. so many things. lol. ok well im going to sign off for now. my fingers just got a good work out in on this damn computer. lol. i shall return tomorrow! have a great night to anyone that still really reads this stuff. lol.

-kaelyn

Currently Listening Goodnight & Go By Imogen Heap see related

hrmmm new news......

well for one, im fallin in love with everyone at my work! there all so great!! feels like their family aready!
secondly... i got my hood peirced... yeap your heard me right hahaha
thirdly... Rafi is coming in August!!! woohooooo
and last but not least... my mother gets her test results back in a few days bout her heart attack and diabettes... we think there gunna turn out great!
i went to a psychic... she told me some rele great things!!! gosh i love those ppl!!!

but i am headed off to bed now!!! i love you all!!!!

this is my newest entry.... and i must say... im proud to write it
i have found this guy.... so amazing, so perfect, so ... everything my heart desires. i dont know what i would do without him. when i found out he wanted to bid $250.00 on me at the auction that i wasnt in at last minute, i was kinda freaked cuz i didnt know him. but as time went by i started to like this guy... and then we kissed. such a passionate, heart fufilling kiss that made my knees go weak and my head spin. now we have this love, which feels so true, i know that he as well loves me the way i love him.
although i know that he does have other girls out there that want him just as bad as i have him, im sorry to say ladies, that shit happens, and its time to grow up and move on. for instance, stalkers. a definition of stalker would be 1. someone who pursues by tracking stealthily 2. someone who follows persistanly to find everything she needs to know. although i dont like the word stalker... i prefer pursuer. where you observe with a passion.
me example of this so called pursuers would be the obsessors, ex girlfriends, ex lovers, and ex friends that only wish they could be as close...but never will because either either bullimic looking and ugly ... or fat... or just plain annoying. i pity those who find it in themselves as well to have to get to the bottom of why the one interested does desire her whatsoever. i pity those who claim that they will never move on when they know that God made us all capable of loving so many people. i pity those who dont know how to get a fucking clue.
i find it quite amusing watching these people obessing over what they will never have. figuring out that they just came to reality and noticed that... they will never be loved by that person, or someone of that nature becusae of their clingy, self loathing attitudes.
so in conclusion i must say, im happy with the one my heart chose, and the way his love makes me feel. sorry ladies.... just gunna have to back off now

I find it quite funny though. We think we have love all figured out. Think we know how to get around it, cheat it. Think we know how to make it right. I guess you could call it, the dumbing down of love. But love always bites us in the ass. I think that possibly the struggles and everything else is what love is. Because we love something so much, we struggle to keep it right and we endure pain for all costs of how we feel and it doesn’t go the way we anticipated it to go….
I guess that one saying is right… “a broken heart can always mend..it will just have scars”. my heard is doing a great job of mending as of right now. And as for scars??? Who cares if we have scars… we need the scares to remind us of what happened, and to teach us how to change not only ourselves for the better, but also to avoid those situations once again. We learn from our scars and I for one….cherish my scars. I just know that I wont be in the middle of a great break down screaming anymore because what ever made me think that I had to do it everyone elses way, was just the worst. And it got me abused and broken inside. This time, I want it might way. I want to go for the thing that I think will make me the best of a person, and who love me just as much as I love them for once….

have you ever had that feeling where its as if your thoughts are turning around inside your head like gears on a constant continuous track??? well like me just put it out there that i totally have that going on right now. my world has become clouded and is practically falling around me with these unanswered questions. who knows... maybe i will have an apiphany someday and itll all just come together and make complete sense. hrmmmm... i dont know what to say.... maybe ill write more later....

EDIT::::

so many walls...so many barriers... as soon as one comes down, another one goes right back up...what the fuck is wrong with me. its like, because im scared of repeating the past, i cant overcome that fear now...and im doomed to fail in anything i try to start in my life, relationship wise. maybe Gia is right... You scare the shit out of people so they can't see how scared you are.
"A life is like a book. A book is like a box. A box has six sides. Inside and outside, so, how do you get to what's inside? How do you get what's inside, out? Once upon a time, there lived a very pretty girl, who lived in a beautiful box, and everybody loved her."
soooo... conclusion is... im living in a box with 6 sides.... 6 walls.... hiding for the world outside. my friends, family, and that special someone...loving me for what they see and what they think they know about me.... their not allowed in the box yet...
i think theres a reason for everything, theres a plan for everything, and i also that god has a plan for me. so my quote for the week is... "when your in love and you get hurt, its like a cut...it will heal, but there will always be a scar."
goodnight everybody